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hey hey hey 
  stellarsabine
 
10:25pm 12/06/2004
 

I'm Sabine.. very new to community. I basically just write a buncha morbid/love oriented/world oriented poetry and songs. So I'll be posting those. Feel free to critique as u will and ask questions.


the magic letter is 'r'

are secrets something you can't keep

am i not precious to you as you are to me

they say what you sow is what you reap

you've reaped my disgust don't you see

 

YOU TORE AWAY

THE LITTLE RESPECT I

HAD IN YOU

YOU LIED TO MY EVERYTHING

I NEVER LIED TO YOU

EVERYTHING IS SO UGLY

WHEN YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

WITH LIQUOR SEEPING THRU YOUR LIVER

(WHO WILL YOU SHOW THIS TO?)

THIS IS JUST SHIT TO YOU)

is this a gam to your mind

these were my thoughts I ladi on you

your nostrils bleed the truth all the time

you never gripped these things, and you

you tore away

the little respect i

had in you

you lied to my everything

i never lied to you

everything is so ugly

when you tell me you love me

with such darkness in your eyes

(who will you laugh with now

this is just shit now)

MAYBE I MEANT

THE WORDS I SAID

BUT NOT ANYMORE

MAYBE I HAD

SOME THOUGHTS OF YOU

NOT ANYMORE

I WON'T LET YOU KNOW

ANYTHING I CAN SEE

YOU WERE PURE HEARTED TO ME

NOW I KNOW WHAT MY EYES

DIDN'T KNOW

YOU NEVER WANTED A THING FROM ME

YOU CAN STILL KEEP THE SCORE

I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT THIS

DOES TO ME.

 

 
     Post
 
let me live again 
  reallyjulie
 
04:29am 16/08/2002
  The nights are feeling hopeless
The days are getting longer
My void is getting bigger
The past is catching up

My legs are always restless
My mouth is always dry
The water is tasting bitter
The children cant sleep

The stares are getting longer
The comments more desperate
The beating in my chest is erratic
The pounding in my head constant

What to do, what to do?
There is nothing left to do

Bottles empty, hands empty
stomach empty, soul empty
some 6 billion of us and the world is still fucking empty

Left alone
Left to think
I think iam left alone

I didnt even save a piece

A shell...a shell of a person
thats all that is left

Hold me to your ear and hear the waves that use to roll and the current that use to crash

Close your eyes, hold your breath
make me real again, make me whole again

Let me live again
 
     Post
 
 
  aprillillian
 
11:08am 08/08/2002
 
mood: creative
Here I sit,
with passing thoughts in my head.
Would my life be different,
if he wasn't dead?

Did I make the right choice,
when I decided to move away?
Or was this all a big mistake,
and this is the price I must pay.

Should I have made that move?
The one step from friends to lovers.
Or would he have grown to hate me,
just like all the others?

When I decide,
to love the one I'm with,
am I just setting myself up for a fall?
Is our relationship just a myth?

Will I always feel this way?
Wondering where I am going and at what cost.
Am I the only one?
Or does everyone feel lost?
 
     Post
 
 
  aprillillian
 
11:07am 08/08/2002
 
mood: creative
I wonder if He'll notice,
I wonder if He'll care.
When he goes to look around ,
and I'm not there.

I belived he was sorry,
He said it so sincere,
But behind my forgiving heart,
Lies nothing but fear.

Cards, Apologies and Flowers.
I'll never do it again, I love you.
But a week later there are bruises on my face.
He didnt mean to do it, I didn't do what I was suppose to.

So now here he sits,
with a look of remorse on his face,
Now he will kow right where to find me.
In my final resting place.
 
     Post
 
 
  reallyjulie
 
03:50am 05/08/2002
  The sleep-in children are all here.
The run-aways are resting.
Their pillows made of asphalt their dreams reckless.

Their position is fetal and their hopes are futile.
Shut up, fucked up, zipped up in their hooded sweatshirt.

Craving, creating, carving in their skin.
Tattooed, pierced, fierce, and condemned.

Gritting teeth and fitful rage,
Arms out-stretched wanting your love.

Keeping it real while keeping it quiet,
wishing we would all get a clue.

Sleeping, napping, dreaming, their indoor sport of choice.
Close the blinds, open your mind, turn the music up.

Knocks on the door, ringing from the cell,
just go away....just go away..... please just go away.

Covers pulled tighter, planted in their beds
a vast crop as wide as the horizon of young, sleepy heads.

So stand up on your soap box, and look out across your land,
survey the situation, and see the produce of your hand.

They are rotting on the vine,
Rotting on the vine.

The sleep-in children are left asleep,
No one set the alarm.
 
     Read 1 - Post
 
Judas 
  reallyjulie
 
07:34pm 31/07/2002
  We all need a Judas, We all need a betraying kiss. A soul partner who will leave us weak when we are at our best, and expose our true identity to the world. Someone who will walk with us along our private path, with a listening ear and a convincing stare, a stare that believes and in the end decieves.


This person becomes our confidant, he reassures us of our sincerity and amens our fumbling speechs and far fetched ideas. Never once does he question our words, not one time does he reveal his motives. Hand in hand we move with him throughout our sun drenched days, and in the dark crisp nights we lay with him. our spirits as one, eyes as one, ears as one, exposing our souls secrets, releasing all pride, breaking down our own meticulously built boundaries, allowing him to roam, run, graze and inhabit the landscapes of our minds.


Oh! you think to yourself, let him cultivate my garden, let him toil and turn my hard untouched earth. He will bring to surface the rich nutrients that lie so deep within. Only he will risk the dirteness and sweat. Only he will bare the blisters and the aches i so eagerly share. We welcome his fruitful seeds of insight, we allow him to plant them and then tend to their needs. He needs our soil to sew and we need his seed to reap. A partnership begins to grow , its roots embedded in dual reliance and dependency. A dense vast crop slowly begans to unfold, a fruit that contains and tastes like the best our souls have to offer.


But as the harvest days approach, you realize you see him less and less. Where is he to walk the fields, to proudly take inventory and see the result of our hard work and labor? you grow impatient , uncomfortable as your crop ripens. you feel as though you are bursting at the seams. the time is now, the time we have been working for is finally here. your bright and shining moment. but he, your judas is nowhere to be found. there are no other workers to cry out too, and it is not possible to harvest yourself. he was the farmer, you were the land, you fufilled your purpose by making yourself avaliable, now where is he to work his hands?


you hope he will come, he will be here to catch the fruit before it falls to the ground. you will partake of it together, you will be free to enjoy the produce, and side by side you will survive on it, forever.


Slowly and painfully you realize he has left you alone. he knowingly leaves you vunerable to the harsh elements.

Strangers and robbers begin to come in packs, trampling and stirring up dust. they lustily hunger for your fruit. their hands so harsh and alien pick and grab, bite at you like animals, beating, abusing and raping what was NEVER theirs.

they laugh and mock you, they spit at your wholness and beauty. filling their bellies and their pockets with your goodness, they leave you, knowing there is nonthing left to take. In their eyes you are as good as dead.


With all the strength you have left you search the ruins for some bit of hope. You long to see Judas, for him to come and mend and save just one plant, just one fruit. But all is still...........You want to curse him! you want to deny the god who allowed this to happen. you want the ground to shake, to open up and pull this desolate land deep, to swallow and return you to where you came from. To harden and then shatter. no more growth to be allowed.

other farmers will come in the future to plant and sew, but their shovels will only hit rock and sand. May this spot NEVER flourish again!


But as the second of death approaches, you conclude all things must be forgiven. peace and love begin to creep in.

No matter your sorrow, no matter your pain, you wither and die with the sense of knowing things will never be the same, you know the crust of the earth will remain forever changed. Your rotting fruit of life will enrich the soil, and other lives will grow and thrive because of your tragic end.


And this whole time Judas hides and watchs this whole drama spin and reel. he watchs horrified, mystifyed, sickly satisfied. He watchs his work slowly being destroyed, he listens to the cries of the land,. his heart beats faster, his pupils dialate, but he doesnt even lift a hand. He walks along the ruins after you have died, he thought maybe there is something to be saved, something that belongs just to him, a token to bring him glory and redemption, to cause masses to beg and bow at his feet. This was his master plan. But the deceiver becomes deceived and the destroyer is now destroyed. He is now to blinded by self loathing and regret to dig deep and see the treasure that was once partly his.

his mistake was believing that he could use someone elses natural resources and that the resulting product would belong solely to him.


So your Judas kills himself out of hopelessness and self pity. Useless he seems as he hangs, useless he seems as he swings from the tree. No one else will ever flourish in his life nor in his death, but you and your garden, you recieved his best. To you Judas was not useless, he was your blessing not your curse. By planting his small seeds of insight and false loyalty into your wide undeveloped land, you are now able to produce what is priceless, life and infinite nutrients that will forever stimulate growth and produce the fruit that will feed all mankind. By his painful, deadly, betraying kiss , he unknowingly set the world a spinning again, and guraranteed life for every creature, boy, girl, woman and man.


Every person has a Peter in their life who will deny, everyone has a Thomas who will doubt. We all have a John who becomes our beloved, a Matthew and a Mark to reinforce and support us. These people are all very important, but are not needed to infinitly survive. But I think we all need a Judas to betray us, because through his one small kiss we are given the oppurtunity we need, a chance to grow and become alive.
 
     Post
 
break me so beautifully 
  salomes_pimp
 
10:30pm 30/07/2002
  You say that time
Is so foolish sometimes
You say that life
Can only get in the way
You say that love
Is not always enough...
And I don't know what to say

You say goodbye
Like you have practiced for days
I breathe so deep
Trying to take it all in
You speak your mind
Like it should be my heart too....
Like this all an again

For you to come in
And break me so beautifully
I just can't win
'Cause I'm falling completely
In a moment of remember-when
Goodbye
And I still can't look at you without breaking down

You say that now
Isn't quite what it used
To be somehow
We're both left with the blame
I know this song
~~~
I know they all end the same

Pick up your coffee
I think I need alone
Don't look so hurt
Ain't that what you just asked for
I need some time
To settle for just me...
'Cause I can't settle for more

For you to come in
And break me so beautifully
I just can't win
'Cause I'm falling completely
In a moment of remember-when
Goodbye
And I still can't look at you without breaking down

You say that time
Is so foolish sometimes
You say that life
Can only get in the way
You say that love
Is not always enough...
And I don't know what to say
 
     Post
 
Break Me So Beautifully 
  salomes_pimp
 
10:28pm 30/07/2002
  You say that time
Is so foolish sometimes
You say that life
Can only get in the way
You say that love
Is not always enough...
And I don't know what to say

You say goodbye
Like you have practiced for days
I breathe so deep
Trying to take it all in
You speak your mind
Like it should be my heart too....
Like this all an again

For you to come in
And break me so beautifully
I just can't win
'Cause I'm falling completely
In a moment of remember-when
Goodbye
And I still can't look at you without breaking down

You say that now
Isn't quite what it used
To be somehow
We're both left with the blame
I know this song
~~~
I know they all end the same

Pick up your coffee
I think I need alone
Don't look so hurt
Ain't that what you just asked for
I need some time
To settle for just me...
'Cause I can't settle for more

For you to come in
And break me so beautifully
I just can't win
'Cause I'm falling completely
In a moment of remember-when
Goodbye
And I still can't look at you without breaking down

You say that time
Is so foolish sometimes
You say that life
Can only get in the way
You say that love
Is not always enough...
And I don't know what to say
 
     Post
 
any suggestions on a title? 
  salomes_pimp
 
08:27pm 28/07/2002
  You were rocky, at best
Committed but detached at the edges
Your self under fire by the limelight of maybes
Spoken softly inside of the snow globe of thoughts

You were ready to rest
In the insight of delusional pledges
Your laws on the line of the twenty1 gun salute
That resounded the dos and the don'ts

And your words poured like coffee
Staining your teeth and the air with their presence
And birth and desire
And you lived by the old rules
And experienced love like it was dawning
And breathing and fire
And you took it all in and forgot that your skin
Had its limits on what it could take
You were so quick to take love for its merry-go worth
But you just can't blame goodbyes on fate

But, baby, ain't that the way you always thought it would be?

There were times in your past
There'll be time in the future to analyze
Your motives under fire by the I-know-what-I'm-doings
Spoken softly inside of the I-know-what-I-wants

You were hellbent on last
Place in any advent of the future
Your self the martyr 'cause it's easier dreams
When your mind's not the one that whys haunt

And your words poured like coffee
Staining your teeth and the air with their presence
And birth and desire
And you lived by the old rules
And experienced love like it was dawning
And breathing and fire
And you took it all in and forgot that your skin
Had its limits on what it could take
You were so quick to take love for its merry-go worth
But you just can't blame goodbyes on fate

But, baby, ain't that the way you always thought it would be?

And you were one for the moment
Only when one equaled two
A classic case of dependence
But that don't matter to you
'Cause if you could love him so muchly
Then you could learn to love you
So did you learn to love you
Did you learn....
 
     Read 4 - Post
 
Green Shirt 
  reallyjulie
 
04:30am 28/07/2002
  I feel like Iam taking names....composing an infinite list of faces in my mind. Some of these faces have names, others only unforgetable features, but each one finds a cradle in my soul. A brief resting place in my womb. All I ask them in return is to maybe one day give them a glorious rebirth while at the same time I emerge from the dark, tight, lonely canal with a loud cry of relief.

I saw a homeless man the other day, and now I wonder what his name is. I went back to try to find him but he was gone. He stood on the corner of a one way street, and in his hand he held a sign. A sign asking for money, hoping for a random act of kindness,a knowing glance, and understanding ear.

He was young, couldnt be older than 29, unshaven and flowing hair....this man was someones son(Is this Morrison?). We searched, we tried, we did our best, we wanted to help this man. But we didnt know this town, we didnt know its streets, we didnt know his name. But I knew his face...I knew his face.

What has to happen to get to the place that he was at? What type of dark skies even exist? Pride has to crumble, boundaries must fall, tears must flow inwardly, drowning the soul within.

Empty, Empty, Empty, the world we inhabit, 6 bilion of us, and still we feel empty. Looking, clutching, searching, grasping, biting, spitting, loving, hating, obsessing, apathetic, decieved and convinced. These emotions they become our friends, they are the only constant. They are solid as steel.

But one man stands alone. Holding a sign, call it what you want; a cry, a plea, a declaration. He stands alone and takes it, our pity and our unwillingness to understand, our ridicules, our clever quips, our wadded up money and our sideways, overted glances.

Now days have passed, hours have ticked away, and still I see his face, his flowing hair, his green shirt. I feel like Iam taking names, composing a book of faces, faces that will forever remain nameless. And that makes my soul drop...it makes the empty spot in my stomach grow.

I long for these people, I long to soothe their pain...I want to hold them, kiss them, promise them better days.

For I the girl with a warm bed, a loving home, and a closet full of clothes and all the good pills...Iam one of them. Iam the young man on the street, holding a sign shamlessly. But no, I dont need your money, Iam in need of something greater, in a way Iam more desperate than he. For I need your love, your arms around me, squeezing and hugging my empty, empty, empty spot away that lies so deep within
 
     Post
 
another shitty love song 
  salomes_pimp
 
04:01am 26/07/2002
  Could you try that one more time
I think your explanation is getting muddled
By definitions or was that expectations
I'm really not too sure anymore

What if I were to smile
Let's say my disposition was unwaivering
In syntax and verb transitioning
Me closer to midnight; closer to the door

So if you want to leave
You have to go through me
Look me in the eye and say
"Babe, I think it's time..."
'Cause every word you breathe
Takes me closer to complete
So, baby, give me just a moment
And I'll give you a lifetime

Could we try this one more time
I think your grievances are tired and getting
Chastised by trying for perceiving
Correlations between logic and the heart

What if we weren't so blind
So one-sided view-pointed in our crazy direction
Toward a single-sided -read: disjointed-
Make this mean together; make this mean apart

So if you're gonna leave
You're need to leave with me
Look me in the eye and say
"Babe, I think it's time...."
'Cause every word your breathe
Takes me closer to complete
So, baby, give me just a moment
And I'll give you a lifetime

What if comes on strong
Like it's played this game before
Like it knows the best way you'll
Go running; Like it knows what
I'm here for.
What if plays both sides
In concerto number b
It's that classic song of you
In that minor key of me

So if you're gonna leave
You need to go through me.....
 
     Post
 
Baby, Blues 
  salomes_pimp
 
11:01pm 24/07/2002
  I sit, sweltering, in the summer
Smoldering, in the Georgia, baby, Blues
Sing to me through the white washed sky
Humidity meeting with gluttony
To suck more from my lips
To coax more from my eyes

It's one of those days
That's grown so common place
For me
Missing you
Missing everything about you
That reminds me why
I've grown so grateful for meditation
For the low moan eyes closed realization
Of your arms around me
Of your lips against my neck
Or better yet
My fingertips
Tracing a path across your back
. (Angel wings)
Moving through orbits on your arms
. (Dodging stars)
And Mother Mary's smiling
As your lips show me god.

I think that even though I thought
That thoughts would be too much
I've found a common ground between
The distance and the touch
And I'm stuck somewhere between the
Wanting you here
And wanting me there
On the public transit bus going from
Heartache to Forever
From Atlanta to Where ever
From my heart
Attack
To home

Listen, baby, Blues
Beats through the window from the train
From the stage coach boxcar beauty
From the get-to-you-in-days
And I think I'll hop a car
Yeah, I think I'll let 'em roll
Let the summer take its toll
On someone else's unsuspecting lips

The train dips
And I rise
And I open my eyes
And reality seems bitter
Sweet
As you seem closer here to me
Oh baby

Summer

Baby, blues
May be my lullaby for now
But soon
Love songs will be lulling me to dream
In your arms
. (Dodging stars)
Moving fingers down your back
. (Angel wings)
And Mother Mary's smiling
As your lips show me love.

7.5.02
 
     Read 2 - Post